Dull and Not Sparkly

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(Collab partner just told it to me.)

How do you comfort a language geek?

You pat them on the back and say, “There, they’re, their.”

This is another area that I frequently see some serious comma whoring going on. People are tossing commas before—and occasionally after, but that is another problem altogether—every conjunction they write.

This behavior is not okay. Please stop doing it.

Overuse of commas depletes the ozone, and you don’t want to be responsible for polar bears losing their habitat do you?

First, a conjunction is a little word that connects two clauses. These little words can be remembered as FANBOYS.

For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So

You only put a comma before the conjunction when the both halves are COMPLETE sentences, meaning they contain a subject, verb, and express a complete thought.In other words, they can be read separate of each other and still make sense.

When one side is incomplete, there is NO comma.

When one side depends on the other, there is NO comma.

Here are some examples:

He got up and walked to the fridge. <- see, no comma. The right side is missing a subject, so it is not a complete clause. If you read the clauses separately, you would get: He got up. Walked to the fridge. See it now?

He got up, and he walked to the fridge <-see, there is a comma. Both sides have a subject. Read them separately now: He got up. He walked to the fridge. See how they both make sense on their own.

More examples:

I went to the store, and I bought milk and cookies.<-comma

The cookies were good, so I went back and got more. <-comma

I stood and dropped my pants. <-no comma

Pissed, I flipped him off and ran him over with my car. <-no comma

Now there are a few exceptions to the rules. If you are trying to show a contrast, then you may use a comma despite both clauses not being complete.

Example: I love red, but hate blue. <-see the contrast?

And if the two halves of the sentence are balanced you may leave out the comma.

Example: I love white horses and I wish I was a sloth. <- See? It’s balanced so no comma.

There is a whole rule set for the wonderful wannabe conjunction ‘then,’ but I will tackle that in another post.

Subordinate clauses, aka dependent clause or weak clauses.

This little bit of grammar is the reason behind most of the comma fails in fanfiction—next to conjunction errors— and it drives me insane.

Sentences are made up of clauses. There are many types, but for now, let’s focus on two: the subordinate/dependent and the main.

Here is a sentence:

She went to the store before it started raining heavily.

She went to the store is the main clause; it’s the main event, a complete sentence with a subject and a verb.

 Before it started raining heavily is the subordinate clause; it has a subject and a verb, but it doesn’t express a complete thought.

Now, in what order you combine the two clauses will result in whether or not a comma is used.

When the weaker clause—subordinate/dependent—comes first, there is a comma.

Before it started raining heavily, she went to the store.

Turn it around and …

She went to the store before it started raining heavily.

Another example:

After I finished reading, I went to bed.

I went to bed after I finished reading.

And another:

As I stared into his eyes, I couldn’t help but notice how bad his breath was.

I couldn’t help but notice how bad his breath was as I stared into his eyes.

There is a great site that has some pretty diagrams and easy to understand explanations. The link is here.

Indefinite Pronouns are words which replace nouns without specifying which noun they replace. Indefinite pronouns suck and make it hard for the reader to decide what the fuck is happening to who.

Commonly, I see the mistake in fanfiction manifest as he, she, it, and they.

For example:

Jack went to the kitchen. John and Eric stayed behind on the couch. He wanted to be the one that got to go get it. It was all kinds of awesome and he wanted to help. It wasn’t fair. 

Are you confused yet? I am. Confused readers are never good. They eat kittens and kill bunnies for fun.

Save the kittens and bunnies. Watch your writing for indefinite pronouns.

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